Sunday, January 18, 2009

Traffic Rules of Kansas City

This email was forwarded to me this past week sometime. I thought it was pretty funny and most of it is pretty accurate! :) For those of you in Kansas City or have been here before...I'm sure you'll have a little laugh over this one! :)


Traffic Rules of Kansas City

For those of you who have recently visited KC or are planning to come back for a visit....this is hilarious!

1. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Kansas City has its own version of traffic rules. There's no book about them. You've just got to get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.

2. If you missed the sign that warned you that you are crossing the state line from KS into MO, potholes have been placed every 25 feet in random lanes as a gentle reminder to just STOP, get the alcohol, and get back to Kansas.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Metcalf..." because you DO NOT want to get on I-35.

4. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".

5. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from KC. You may only apply your brakes when the end of the yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue.

7. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Sprint, BV, or Cerner. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with a "tag" around your neck or clipped on your belt loop.

8. Just remember that I-435 becomes east, west, north, AND south. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

9. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease; ditto for daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.

10. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

11. Many bizarre and wonderful sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase, "Oh yeah, we're in Missouri!!"

12. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

13. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

14. Understand that the 95 pound woman driving the Ford Excursion (the largest vehicle ever produced) absolutely MUST come to a complete stop, then proceed at 2 mph over any railroad track. This vehicle was built to invade small countries, and she's worried about the railroad tracks!! Keep in mind that she's also completely unaware of the ends of her vehicle (since they're in different zip codes) and is highly likely to run you off the road while trying to talk to someone on her cell phone. It is safer to try to beat an Amtrak train to the RR crossing than to get in her blind spot.

15. One word: "SUV" Buy one, wash it, cover it with a gold package but, whatever you do, don't ever let it touch anything but asphalt!

16. The drivers of the above-mentioned vehicles also have a legal right to turn right from a left lane or to turn left from a right lane. It is believed that these vehicles do not come equipped with turn signals.

17. White haired men driving red or silver sports cars will not obey any known traffic rule and cannot be expected to stop for red lights or stop signs. These men will only be in this area until they're made aware of the law that says you must move to Colorado or Florida if you're old but still want to act young.! Traffic is bad enough without some old fogey slowing everyone down by refusing to go faster than the accepted 85 mph.

18. In Kansas City, we drink Dr. Pepper and Mt. Dew (sometimes Code Red). It is rumored that other soft drinks are sold here, but no one will admit to knowing anyone who actually drinks them. So don't ask for any other soft drink.

19. If you really want to fit in here, buy a cell phone and learn to drive with your knees while reading the paper. Whatever you do, don't put on your turn signal as this will only cause traffic near you to speed up and block you off.

20. Stay away from the Grandview Triangle at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. You may question the value of this advice until the first time you fail to heed it! (It's in your best interest to apply this same advice to Troost Ave. as well).

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